Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
