apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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