The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
