You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
