My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
