Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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