i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
