I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Another day, another engagement, another cat
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
you never un-have a 4some
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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