She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
