My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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