omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize