first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
