I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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