I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
It's never too late to be topless.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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