the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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