why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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