Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
