We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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