i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
