a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
