My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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