i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Randomize
