this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
