Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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