He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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