I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
