Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
How does it feel to date your dad?
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
