I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I fill condoms, not promises.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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