You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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