well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I could fuck to npr.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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