she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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