Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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