i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
