Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
