I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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