new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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