i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
