Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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