My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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