I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
