Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
