If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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