I cut my penus on the lid.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
