i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
