I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
