I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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