so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
