it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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