She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
