someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
