I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
