I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I don't deserve a penis
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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