did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
