I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
this is an emotional support booty call
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
