My friends, they love my intelligence
then he tried to convert me to islam
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Pants are for mortals
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
