You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
