talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
