He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
