i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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