I just pynch a tree in the face
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So much rum. So many feels.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
