I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
