Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
